I thought that I was brave until he came along.
I was shedding my past life in layers. I was rebelling against every idea I had previously held about how I should live.
But underneath my tough exterior, or what felt tough at times, I was still cycling through fears. I didn’t know how to communicate. I didn’t know how to be with someone. I was still learning how to be with myself.
When he came along I still felt like a mess. A beautiful mess, but a mess nonetheless, and he seemed perfect. I wanted to push him away because I didn’t feel good enough. Because I had once tried so hard to create a life with someone and it blew up in my face.
But he is brave. He made himself vulnerable. He expressed himself, and when I finally choked out how I felt, he listened. Since then it’s been one hell of a romantic adventure, with my feet on the ground and my heart in place. I like where this is going.
I am healing. I am learning what it really is to be brave. I am learning to choose love.
There is so much I would like to say to you. I would like to tell you about last night’s picnic on the beach by my childhood home where I used to run into the ocean in nothing but jean shorts and my long scraggly blonde hair. How we ate Roquefort cheese and drank sparkling wine, and it tasted like France. I was flooded with memories from here and there. I felt happy. I felt loved. The sun coloured our skin gold and the freighters stretched their long bodies out in the ocean.
I would like to tell you about someone who makes me smile and has hands and a heart that are doing their best to heal all of my wounds. Eyes that see every bit of me and a voice that sings and yells how beautiful I am. He is brave. I am learning to be.
I feel like I have been on a long journey and that I am slowly coming home. I still have so much to see, learn and do, but I am becoming whole again. There is a familiarity with myself that I have not felt in a long time. I no longer feel the need to escape. I want to be here now. I want to be me.
Until I can properly find the words to tell you more, just know that all is well. Expect good things to happen to you and never forget your worth. Life is exciting.
In my past year of gypsy adventures I have put an extra 15 pounds on my body.
This is scary to admit, to myself, and publicly. With my history of an eating disorder and body image issues, it can feel terrifying.
But I’ve come a hell of a long way. I still think I look beautiful. It was been one hell of an adventure, full of great food, libations, travel, sleepless nights, and an insane amount of fun that brought me here.
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